Category: Parenting

Daycare and Detached Parenting: A Potentially Hidden Source of Trauma

~ Kern Family ~ Leave a comment

The Heartbreaking Reality of Daycare: Are We Failing Our Children?

The other day, I watched a TikTok video that has been on my mind ever since. It showed a typical scene at a daycare center: parents arriving to pick up their children at the end of the day. The moment the toddlers saw their parents, they began to cry. Not just whimper or shed a tear—full-on crying. These weren’t tears of joy or relief; they were tears of overwhelming emotion, likely a mix of stress, sadness, and confusion.

This video captured something that many of us overlook: the deep emotional toll that early separation takes on our children. It made me think hard about the current state of parenting and how, as a society, we might be failing our kids en masse by pushing them into these environments far too early.

A Troubling Trend: Convenience Over Children’s Well-being

This concern isn’t just about daycare. My wife recently had a conversation with a mother who mentioned that she had put her newborn on formula within the first month because it helped the baby sleep better, and by extension, allowed her to sleep better too. Now, I want to be clear: I have nothing against formula. It’s a lifesaver in situations where breastfeeding isn’t an option or when a mother’s health requires it. But this conversation wasn’t about necessity—it was about convenience.

What struck me was the underlying sentiment: that the mother’s comfort was taking precedence over the child’s potential long-term well-being. This mindset, where convenience often overrides the needs of the child, is becoming disturbingly common. And quite frankly, it’s disheartening.

The Evolutionary Argument for Maternal Care

From an evolutionary perspective, children are hardwired to be close to their mothers, especially in the early months and years. For most of human history, mothers and babies have been inseparable. This closeness wasn’t just a cultural norm; it was a biological necessity. Babies needed their mothers for food, protection, and, crucially, for emotional security.

Research supports the idea that early maternal bonding is critical. Studies on attachment theory have shown that infants who are securely attached to their primary caregivers—most often their mothers—tend to be more resilient, emotionally stable, and better equipped to handle stress as they grow. One study by Dr. Alan Sroufe and his colleagues at the University of Minnesota followed children over 30 years and found that those with secure attachments in infancy had better social and emotional outcomes in adulthood compared to those with insecure attachments.

But what happens when we disrupt this natural bond? Evidence suggests that early separation from the mother can lead to elevated cortisol levels (the stress hormone) in infants, which, over time, can negatively impact brain development and emotional regulation. Children who spend long hours in daycare, especially from a very young age, have been found to be more prone to behavioral issues, including aggression and anxiety. The more time infants spend in non-maternal care, the greater the risk of these negative outcomes.

Spiritual Perspective: The Sacred Bond of Motherhood

Motherhood is more than just a biological role—it’s a spiritual calling. Think of the Virgin Mary, a figure who embodies nurturing and sacrifice. Mary’s life was devoted to her son, Jesus, not just in a physical sense but in an emotional and spiritual one. She was there for every step of his early life, offering love, guidance, and prayers.

This sacred bond is something all mothers can strive for. It’s about more than just meeting the physical needs of a child; it’s about creating an environment where a child feels deeply loved and secure. It’s about being present—emotionally, spiritually, and physically. When we prioritize our comfort or societal expectations over this bond, we’re not just shortchanging our children; we’re missing out on a profoundly fulfilling aspect of motherhood.

The Modern Daycare Dilemma

Daycare, especially for very young children, often falls short of meeting these emotional and developmental needs. The environment in most daycares is far from ideal—crowded, impersonal, and at times, downright stressful. While daycares can be necessary, especially for families who need two incomes to get by, we need to be honest about what we’re sacrificing.

Do you believe modern society is healthy? Do you think the kids are alright? Are we all doing mentally well as a society? If not, why in God’s name are we continuing to stay the course of this zeitgeist, doing what everyone else is doing? Why is no one questioning what could possibly be wrong with the most formative times of our lives?

Consider this: We live in an era where rates of anxiety, depression, and other mental health disorders are at an all-time high, even among children. Could it be that our early choices—like separating infants from their mothers, relying on daycares to raise our kids, and prioritizing convenience over connection—are contributing to this crisis?

The Ideal Childhood: A Call for Reconnecting with Parental Roles

So, what does an ideal childhood look like? It’s one where parents, especially mothers, are present during the formative years. It’s a childhood where children don’t have to cry in daycare because they’ve been with the people they need most—those who love them unconditionally. It’s a childhood where small sacrifices by parents, like adjusting work schedules or cutting back on non-essential expenses, lead to a stronger, healthier, and happier child.

I’m not saying that staying home full-time is feasible for every family. But I am saying that we should strive to maximize the time we spend with our children, especially when they are very young. Whether it’s reducing work hours, working from home, or finding other creative solutions, we need to make our children’s well-being a priority.

Questioning Our Motives

Why do we send kids to daycare? Why do we care so much about getting them out of the house and into activities all day? Is it because we genuinely believe it’s better for them—or is it because it’s more convenient for us? Are we, as parents, simply trying to create space in our lives, whether to work more, have some peace, or even just to keep up with societal expectations?

Let’s be honest: a lot of the time, it’s about money. We work longer hours and send our kids to daycare so we can make more money. But why do we need so much money? Often, it’s to buy things we don’t need, to impress people we don’t even like. We’re caught in a cycle of consumption that’s disconnected from what really matters.

But what if we stopped to question this cycle? What if, instead of focusing on getting our kids out of the house, we focused on bringing them closer? What if we prioritized time with our children over making more money, over buying more stuff, over fitting in with what everyone else is doing?

The most important thing we can give our children isn’t found in a store or a paycheck. It’s our presence, our love, and our attention. It’s time spent together, forming bonds that will last a lifetime. So before we send them off to daycare, or sign them up for endless activities, let’s ask ourselves: what are we really working for, and at what cost?

One Simple Test to Know if Your Dog is Truly Happy

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The true test of whether a dog is happy with his pack is simple. Put him outside your front door, close it, and see if he stays or runs away.

One afternoon, our dog Augustine (Gus), found himself on the wrong side of that door. We didn’t notice at first because our youngest had accidentally left him out. For about 30 minutes, he waited outside.When we opened the door, Gus was there, just laying down comfortably by the door. He could have wandered off, explored the neighborhood, or chased after any of the countless scents outside. But he didn’t. He stayed close, waiting for us.

[Gus joining us for a car ride]

We often wonder about our dogs’ happiness. Are they content? Could they have a better life elsewhere? It’s easy to think that dogs, with their simple needs, are happy as long as they have food and playthings. But what happens when they’re given the choice to stay or go?

I’ve known dogs that would bolt the moment they saw an open door. I babysat a dog once that darted out as soon as the door cracked open. Growing up, I knew many dogs like this, always ready to seize their chance at freedom, even if just for a brief adventure. They didn’t hesitate; they ran.

This comparison brings into focus the real measure of a dog’s happiness. Some dogs, given the chance, choose to run. Maybe they see the outside world as more exciting, or maybe they don’t feel as connected to their home. But a dog that waits by the door is telling you something profound. They’re saying, “This is my home. This is where I want to be.”

Gus’s choice to stay with us, even when the world was open to him, was a simple but powerful statement. He values our companionship over the unknown. It’s a reminder that true happiness for our dogs isn’t about the things we give them but about the bonds we share.

So, next time you wonder if your dog is happy, think about this simple test. It’s not about how many toys they have or how often they get treats. It’s about where they choose to be when they have the freedom to go anywhere. For Gus, and for many dogs who wait at the door, happiness is being part of their pack. And that’s where they truly find their joy.

A Random Story from Suburbia: Dealing with Difficult Neighbors

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Life’s Unexpected Lessons

Life can throw some surprises our way, especially when we’re raising kids. These moments, while challenging, often turn into great opportunities to teach our children valuable lessons. Recently, our family faced one of these moments—a sudden clash with our neighbors that became a clear lesson in forgiveness and setting boundaries for our boys, Luke and Levi.

The Incident: From Playtime to Conflict

It was a sunny afternoon, and Luke, Levi, and their friend Adil were by the creek, having fun tossing sticks into the water. Everything was fine until our neighbors began shouting at the kids from across the creek. At first the wife, who was on friendly terms with us, gave the kids a verbal warning not to throw sticks into the creek for fear of damming the creek and starting a flood. That would have been fine had it ended there, but suddenly, with no warning, the husband began screaming at the top of his lungs at the kids and my wife various threats.

My wife was caught off guard, and, as any protective, pregnant mother bear might do, she began to yell in return, drowning out the screams of the man and telling him to stop yelling.

It’s important to pause here and explain that these neighbors are notorious for drunken behavior, loud and obnoxious rants, and escalated confrontations.

I, Alan, heard this from the house, and came barreling to the backyard by the creek where this was happening. My blood was boiling, and I became furious when I saw what was happening. I shouted in pure anger, demanding to know what this man was saying. He turned back to me, ready to start yelling at me, but in my fury I quickly shouted him down with a booming voice and told him twice, “I don’t want to hear another word from you.” He must have sensed the level of my anger, because he quickly turned around and left.

Immediate Aftermath: Talking It Through

Once the neighbors left and things calmed down, we gathered our boys to talk about what happened. Their day had taken a rough turn, and they were clearly upset. We knew we needed to help them understand their feelings and learn from the situation.

We started by acknowledging their fear and confusion. It’s normal to feel these things when faced with unexpected anger. But we also wanted to teach them two important lessons: the power of forgiveness and the need to set boundaries.

Teaching Forgiveness and Boundaries: Practical Lessons from Scripture

To help explain these ideas, we turned to a story they know—Jesus cleansing the temple. Even Jesus, who taught love and peace, got angry when he saw injustice. This helped us explain that feeling angry can be okay, especially when standing up for what’s right.

But here’s the key part—while anger is a natural response, it shouldn’t control us. Moving past anger and forgiving others is crucial. We also talked about boundaries, using Jesus’ choice not to engage with Herod as an example. This wasn’t about holding a grudge but about knowing when to protect yourself from further harm. We told the boys it’s okay to keep a distance from people who make them feel unsafe or disrespected.

Drawing from Catholic Teachings: Forgiveness and Boundaries

Catholic teachings give us great advice on forgiveness and boundaries. We shared Jesus’ words from Matthew 5:44 with our boys: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” This message is about letting go of resentment and finding peace.

We also discussed how Jesus chose to remain silent before Herod to protect His mission and dignity. This wasn’t about avoiding conflict out of fear but making a wise decision to maintain His integrity. Similarly, St. Thomas Aquinas teaches that while we should love our neighbors, we’re not obligated to put ourselves in harm’s way repeatedly. We can love our neighbor by keeping a healthy amount of distance.

Living by Example: Balancing Forgiveness and Boundaries

In our case, we haven’t yet reached out to our neighbors to smooth things over. We’re trying to balance showing our kids the importance of forgiveness while also maintaining safe boundaries. It’s a careful balance—offering forgiveness but knowing when it’s necessary to step back and protect ourselves.

We told our boys that holding onto anger is like carrying a heavy load—it’s better to let it go. Forgiveness helps us lighten that load. At the same time, it’s important to understand when to limit interactions with those who might cause harm or disrupt our peace.

We ended our day by praying the Our Father and reminding ourselves the need to forgive those who would wrong us.

Long-Term Lessons: Building Resilience and Understanding

Through this experience, we wanted to teach our children that conflicts are a part of life. But how we respond to these conflicts shapes who we are. It’s natural to feel anger, especially when defending ourselves or others. But the real challenge is moving beyond anger, embracing forgiveness, and setting smart boundaries to protect our well-being.

These lessons are the seeds we hope to plant, growing into strong, resilient values as our children navigate life. Forgiveness encourages empathy and understanding, while boundaries ensure their safety and peace of mind.

Conclusion: Embracing Teachable Moments

Teaching children about forgiveness, especially during conflicts, is one of the most valuable lessons we can share. Our recent clash with our neighbors was a powerful opportunity to explore these themes. By reflecting on the story of Jesus and Catholic teachings, we helped our children understand the power of forgiveness and the importance of setting boundaries.

Parents, these moments are key—they’re chances to instill values that will guide your children’s futures. How have you approached teaching forgiveness and setting boundaries in your family?