Author: Kern Family

Welcome to The Keep. We're Alan and Joelle Kern, and this blog serves as our family's digital journal. Here we share our experiences as parents to Luke, Levi, and Aletheia, along with our faithful dog, Augustine (Gus). Alan's background spans from military service to evangelical ministry, and now to software engineering with a focus on AI. When he’s not working on a company project, he’s playing sports with the kids, gardening, or reading about a new branch of knowledge he hasn’t explored yet. Joelle is the cornerstone of our home life. She manages the kids’ homeschool and is passionate about developing our backyard into a sustainable food forest. You can usually find her helping lead our local homeschool co-op committee or taking the kids out to a sunny park day with friends. We’re looking to answer the question: what would happen if you threw away conventional thought about everything and worked tirelessly toward finding and pursuing the Good and the True? We hope this leads us to paths that will stretch us beyond a conventional American lifestyle and into a life of purpose and joy.

Affirmation as a Closed-Loop Illusion

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Talk isn’t just cheap—it can be a vicious, deluding cycle

We all crave validation. Whether it’s sharing our goals or receiving positive feedback, affirmation can be incredibly gratifying. But here’s the catch: studies show that announcing your ambitions or receiving applause for your intentions can give you the same dopamine rush as actually achieving the goal. This phenomenon, known as “anticipatory reward,” creates a dangerous illusion of competence. It tricks individuals and organizations into thinking they’ve made progress when, in reality, they haven’t accomplished anything substantial.

Let’s explore how affirmation fuels this illusion, why it’s prevalent in Western cultures, and how we can break free from its deceptive grip.

Understanding the Illusion: Affirmation and Anticipatory Reward

Affirmation—those moments when we receive encouragement or acknowledge our goals—provides a powerful boost. Our brains release dopamine, a neurotransmitter that makes us feel good and reinforces behaviors. However, research shows that this same dopamine release occurs not just when we achieve our goals but also when we simply talk about them or receive praise. This creates what’s known as “anticipatory reward,” where the promise of success or the recognition of our intentions feels as satisfying as the actual accomplishment.

Peter Gollwitzer’s Research on Implementation Intentions: Gollwitzer’s studies highlight that discussing a goal or forming a detailed plan can provide a premature sense of accomplishment. This dopamine boost from talking about our goals can reduce the effort we invest in achieving them, as our brain already feels rewarded.

Ayelet Fishbach and Minjung Koo’s Study on Goal Motivation: Their research found that focusing on how far we’ve come, rather than how far we still have to go, increases satisfaction too soon, leading to decreased motivation. This aligns with how affirmation can create a false sense of progress, short-circuiting the drive needed to complete the task.

The Delusion of Self-Confidence through Affirmation

When we share our plans or receive praise for our intentions, we often feel as though we’ve accomplished something significant. Affirmation creates a feedback loop where the act of discussing our goals or receiving recognition feels as rewarding as completing them. This can foster a deceptive sense of competence and lead to complacency.

Instead of pushing us to take action and achieve real outcomes, affirmation can make us feel good prematurely. This breaks the critical link between effort and actual achievement, creating an illusion of competence that can be hard to shake.

Manifestations of Affirmation-Driven Illusions in Daily Life

Personal Fitness:

  • Social Media Announcements: Many people post their fitness goals or new workout routines on platforms like Instagram or Facebook, enjoying instant gratification through likes and supportive comments. This can create a temporary sense of achievement without the hard work of consistent training. For instance, someone might announce their intention to run a marathon. However, if the praise from friends and followers replaces the discipline of daily runs, the goal remains unfulfilled.
  • Fitness Apps and Trackers: Apps that allow users to share their workout milestones or progress can contribute to this illusion. The act of sharing a workout or a goal feels rewarding, but without sustained effort, the real benefits of fitness are never fully realized.

Professional Settings:

  • Planning and Meetings: In the corporate world, there’s often significant focus on planning and strategizing. While these are essential, they can lead to a premature sense of accomplishment. A team might feel they’re making progress by holding regular meetings and discussing plans. However, unless those plans translate into actionable steps, the meetings themselves become a substitute for real progress.
  • Networking and Self-Promotion: Professionals often build their personal brand by discussing future projects or potential opportunities on platforms like LinkedIn. While networking is crucial, it can also create an illusion of success if it replaces actual work and skill development. Talking about career goals can sometimes feel like moving forward when, in reality, the critical work remains undone.

Education:

  • Goal Setting and Procrastination: Students frequently set academic goals or plan their study schedules, feeling a brief rush of accomplishment. However, without following through on these plans, they might find themselves cramming at the last minute, realizing that the early sense of readiness was just an illusion. This is particularly common with New Year’s resolutions or beginning-of-term planning that loses steam as the term progresses.
  • Public Declarations of Intent: Declaring an intention to study hard for exams or to excel in a project can elicit praise and encouragement from peers and family. This can provide a false sense of security and satisfaction, deterring the rigorous study and preparation needed for genuine success.

The Cultural Lens: Affirmation in Western Societies

In Western cultures, particularly in the United States, there’s a strong emphasis on self-promotion and building self-esteem. Media and social narratives often glorify the confident individual who boldly proclaims their capabilities and dreams. While positive affirmations and confidence can be motivational tools, they are often hollow without action. This cultural trend reinforces the illusion of competence, making it seem normal to bask in the glow of potential rather than actual achievement.

Social Media’s Role in Amplifying the Affirmation Illusion

Social media platforms have turbocharged the affirmation cycle by providing a stage for constant self-promotion. Users often share their goals and intentions, receiving likes and comments that mimic the dopamine rush of actual achievement. This public affirmation can make one feel as though significant progress has been made, even when little to no action has been taken.

  • Instant Gratification: Posting about a new diet, career move, or personal goal can garner instant likes and comments, giving the illusion that one is on the path to success. However, this can substitute for the harder, longer-term work required to actually achieve these goals.
  • Curated Success: Platforms like Instagram and LinkedIn often showcase curated versions of success. Seeing others’ polished achievements can create pressure to share our intentions and minor wins prematurely, seeking validation rather than focusing on substantial progress.
  • The Echo Chamber Effect: Social media can create an echo chamber where the act of sharing goals and receiving praise becomes more rewarding than the actual pursuit of those goals. This can lead to a cycle where posting about intentions feels like achieving them, reducing the drive to engage in the necessary work.

The Real Feedback Loop: Doing the Work

Reality has a way of setting us straight. Unlike the false feedback from affirmations and anticipatory dopamine, the feedback from actually engaging in tasks is unyielding and honest. Physics, deadlines, and tangible results don’t lie. They provide a clear measure of our competence. It’s through consistent action and facing challenges head-on that we truly gauge our abilities and grow.

The Consequences of Relying on Affirmation

Relying on the dopamine rush from anticipated success rather than actual success can lead to stagnation and failure. We see this in the workplace where individuals might spend more time planning and talking about their projects than executing them. Over time, this can erode real skills and undermine genuine confidence, leaving us unprepared when real challenges arise.

Breaking Free from the Affirmation Trap

To avoid the trap of anticipatory reward driven by affirmation, we must cultivate humility and focus on actual progress. This means embracing a mindset of continuous learning and modesty, much like the values espoused by figures like John the Baptist and Jesus. They exemplified the power of staying grounded, working quietly, and valuing substance over appearance. By focusing on doing the work, remaining humble, and seeking honest feedback, we align ourselves with reality and build true competence.

The allure of affirmation and anticipatory reward is strong, offering a quick hit of satisfaction without the hard work. However, true competence and success come from engaging deeply with the tasks at hand, staying humble, and valuing real feedback. As we navigate our goals and aspirations, let’s remember that action speaks louder than words, and that genuine growth is forged through the often-uncelebrated grind of doing the work.

Citations

Gollwitzer, P. M. (1999). Implementation Intentions: Strong Effects of Simple Plans. American Psychologist, 54(7), 493-503. Available at APA PsycNet.

Fishbach, A., & Koo, M. (2014). The Dynamics of Self-Regulation: When Goals Commit Versus Liberate. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 50, 207-261. Available at ScienceDirect.

Liturgy of the Hours is Better Than the Rosary

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Why You Should Pray the Liturgy of the Hours (and Why It Might Be the Best Prayer Rhythm Ever)

When we became Catholic, we were blown away by the beauty of the Church’s traditions. One of the greatest surprises for us has been the Liturgy of the Hours. It’s structured, deeply rooted in Scripture, and totally connected to the life of the Church. Once we found it, it felt like everything else, including the spiritual practices we grew up with, paled in comparison.

And while the Rosary gets a lot of attention in Catholic circles, we’ve found that it just doesn’t come close to what the Liturgy of the Hours offers. We don’t pray the Rosary in our home. Not because we’re against Mary or dislike repetition, but because we’ve discovered something richer, deeper, and more Christ-centered. We believe more Catholics should seriously consider giving the Liturgy of the Hours pride of place in their daily life.

Our Story

Before Catholicism, we were in the evangelical world. I was a pastor in various churches, and prayer there was usually spontaneous, shaped by whatever the devotional reading or sermon theme was that day. It wasn’t bad, it just lacked consistency. There was no rhythm that tied it all together.

When we entered the Church, we immediately fell in love with the Mass. It was obvious this was the center of everything. But we started to wonder, what does the Church offer to anchor the rest of the day? That’s when we stumbled on the Liturgy of the Hours, and it changed everything.

No more random devotionals or freeform prayers that drifted from day to day. Now, we had a prayer rhythm that followed the seasons of the Church, rooted us in Scripture, and tied us to the prayers of Christians all over the world. And it wasn’t just nice. It was powerful.

What Is the Liturgy of the Hours?

The Liturgy of the Hours (also called the Divine Office) has ancient roots. It started in the Jewish practice of praying the Psalms at set times during the day. The early Church adopted that rhythm, and over time it became a complete daily cycle of prayer that includes Psalms, Scripture readings, and writings from the saints.

It’s not something buried in history books. It’s alive. Priests and religious pray it every day. More and more lay Catholics are discovering it too. When you pray it, you’re joining a living, global rhythm of worship. It brings God into your morning, midday, evening, and night, not just on Sundays, but every day.

Why We Prefer the Liturgy of the Hours Over the Rosary

This isn’t about knocking the Rosary. But the truth is, we don’t find it as helpful or meaningful. The Liturgy of the Hours offers more. Here’s why we think it deserves a bigger role in the spiritual lives of everyday Catholics:

1. It’s All Scripture

When you pray the Liturgy of the Hours, you’re immersed in the Bible. You’re praying the Psalms, reading from the Gospels, the epistles, the Old Testament, every day. It’s not a summary or reflection about Scripture. It is Scripture.

2. It Keeps Christ at the Center

The Rosary is centered on Mary’s experience of Jesus. That’s good, but the Liturgy of the Hours puts Christ Himself right in the middle. It aligns your day with His story, His words, and His mission.

3. It’s Liturgical

Each time you pray the Hours, you’re syncing with the Church’s liturgical calendar. You’re not just praying randomly. You’re entering into a pattern that the Church has kept for centuries. one that flows out from the Mass and sanctifies your whole day.

4. It’s Shared by the Whole Church

Unlike the Rosary, which is a private devotion, the Liturgy of the Hours is the official public prayer of the Church. When you pray it, you’re praying with priests, monks, nuns, and laypeople all over the world. And not just Catholics. Orthodox and some Anglicans pray it too. It’s a prayer of unity.

5. It’s Less About Preference, More About Formation

The Rosary tends to be more individual and preference-driven. Some people love it, some don’t. But the Liturgy of the Hours isn’t about personal preference. It’s about being formed by the rhythm of the Church, day in and day out.

How to Start

It can feel a little intimidating at first, but getting started is easier than you think:

1. Start Small

Begin with Morning Prayer (Lauds) and Evening Prayer (Vespers). Those are the “hinge hours” and they cover most of the spiritual ground.

2. Use a Good App or Website

We use the Divine Office app, and we love it. It’s simple, user-friendly, and even has audio so you can pray along on your commute or while folding laundry.

3. Make It a Real Habit

Set a time each day for prayer. Or flip it: structure your day around prayer. The Church calls this “sanctifying the hours.” It’s not about squeezing God in. It’s about putting Him first.

4. Pray with Others When You Can

If you can find a parish or group that prays the Hours together, jump in. It adds a whole new layer to the experience. But even when you pray alone, you’re never really alone.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve never prayed the Liturgy of the Hours, you’re missing out on one of the richest treasures the Church has to offer. It’s shaped our days, deepened our faith, and brought us into closer communion with the Body of Christ.

We believe more Catholics should lean into this form of prayer. It’s not just for monks and nuns. It’s for you. And in our experience, it’s far more nourishing than the Rosary or any other devotional out there.

If the Mass is the source and summit of our faith, the Liturgy of the Hours is the rhythm that carries you from one to the next. Give it a shot. You won’t regret it.

A Random Story from Suburbia: Dealing with Difficult Neighbors

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Life’s Unexpected Lessons

Life can throw some surprises our way, especially when we’re raising kids. These moments, while challenging, often turn into great opportunities to teach our children valuable lessons. Recently, our family faced one of these moments—a sudden clash with our neighbors that became a clear lesson in forgiveness and setting boundaries for our boys, Luke and Levi.

The Incident: From Playtime to Conflict

It was a sunny afternoon, and Luke, Levi, and their friend Adil were by the creek, having fun tossing sticks into the water. Everything was fine until our neighbors began shouting at the kids from across the creek. At first the wife, who was on friendly terms with us, gave the kids a verbal warning not to throw sticks into the creek for fear of damming the creek and starting a flood. That would have been fine had it ended there, but suddenly, with no warning, the husband began screaming at the top of his lungs at the kids and my wife various threats.

My wife was caught off guard, and, as any protective, pregnant mother bear might do, she began to yell in return, drowning out the screams of the man and telling him to stop yelling.

It’s important to pause here and explain that these neighbors are notorious for drunken behavior, loud and obnoxious rants, and escalated confrontations.

I, Alan, heard this from the house, and came barreling to the backyard by the creek where this was happening. My blood was boiling, and I became furious when I saw what was happening. I shouted in pure anger, demanding to know what this man was saying. He turned back to me, ready to start yelling at me, but in my fury I quickly shouted him down with a booming voice and told him twice, “I don’t want to hear another word from you.” He must have sensed the level of my anger, because he quickly turned around and left.

Immediate Aftermath: Talking It Through

Once the neighbors left and things calmed down, we gathered our boys to talk about what happened. Their day had taken a rough turn, and they were clearly upset. We knew we needed to help them understand their feelings and learn from the situation.

We started by acknowledging their fear and confusion. It’s normal to feel these things when faced with unexpected anger. But we also wanted to teach them two important lessons: the power of forgiveness and the need to set boundaries.

Teaching Forgiveness and Boundaries: Practical Lessons from Scripture

To help explain these ideas, we turned to a story they know—Jesus cleansing the temple. Even Jesus, who taught love and peace, got angry when he saw injustice. This helped us explain that feeling angry can be okay, especially when standing up for what’s right.

But here’s the key part—while anger is a natural response, it shouldn’t control us. Moving past anger and forgiving others is crucial. We also talked about boundaries, using Jesus’ choice not to engage with Herod as an example. This wasn’t about holding a grudge but about knowing when to protect yourself from further harm. We told the boys it’s okay to keep a distance from people who make them feel unsafe or disrespected.

Drawing from Catholic Teachings: Forgiveness and Boundaries

Catholic teachings give us great advice on forgiveness and boundaries. We shared Jesus’ words from Matthew 5:44 with our boys: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” This message is about letting go of resentment and finding peace.

We also discussed how Jesus chose to remain silent before Herod to protect His mission and dignity. This wasn’t about avoiding conflict out of fear but making a wise decision to maintain His integrity. Similarly, St. Thomas Aquinas teaches that while we should love our neighbors, we’re not obligated to put ourselves in harm’s way repeatedly. We can love our neighbor by keeping a healthy amount of distance.

Living by Example: Balancing Forgiveness and Boundaries

In our case, we haven’t yet reached out to our neighbors to smooth things over. We’re trying to balance showing our kids the importance of forgiveness while also maintaining safe boundaries. It’s a careful balance—offering forgiveness but knowing when it’s necessary to step back and protect ourselves.

We told our boys that holding onto anger is like carrying a heavy load—it’s better to let it go. Forgiveness helps us lighten that load. At the same time, it’s important to understand when to limit interactions with those who might cause harm or disrupt our peace.

We ended our day by praying the Our Father and reminding ourselves the need to forgive those who would wrong us.

Long-Term Lessons: Building Resilience and Understanding

Through this experience, we wanted to teach our children that conflicts are a part of life. But how we respond to these conflicts shapes who we are. It’s natural to feel anger, especially when defending ourselves or others. But the real challenge is moving beyond anger, embracing forgiveness, and setting smart boundaries to protect our well-being.

These lessons are the seeds we hope to plant, growing into strong, resilient values as our children navigate life. Forgiveness encourages empathy and understanding, while boundaries ensure their safety and peace of mind.

Conclusion: Embracing Teachable Moments

Teaching children about forgiveness, especially during conflicts, is one of the most valuable lessons we can share. Our recent clash with our neighbors was a powerful opportunity to explore these themes. By reflecting on the story of Jesus and Catholic teachings, we helped our children understand the power of forgiveness and the importance of setting boundaries.

Parents, these moments are key—they’re chances to instill values that will guide your children’s futures. How have you approached teaching forgiveness and setting boundaries in your family?